10 keys to a thriving marriage
Jer 29:11
Plans to prosper you
We want our marriage to thrive
1. Learn how to speak your spouse's love language
Selfishness?
Is to choose the best for the other person. So love is not an emotion. It's saying I want to I want to choose the best on a certain so it does me. No good to physical touch and words of affirmation are not her love language but quality time and acts of service. Those are her love language. So I want to love and serve my wife. I have to speak her language. So I think you have to identify what? What feels they're tough. What what helps that? What gets them excited? What makes them feel like they're About life and life together. Well then I got to serve my spouse and speak the same language. So number one, identify their top two, there's five identify their top two. Then they start to walk out that love limits. Don't speak different languages. I remember years ago, I was a pastor for many years in Seattle, Washington. And there was this this, this couple that moved from Mexico. We did a lot of mission work in this arid Mexico. And she came up from this church, To our church in Seattle. And so when she came to the church, she told me some of the people that she needed to speak to our pastor. And so she came to the office one day and she said I would like to speak to the pastor. I'm coming from this church if you guys did a lot of work. And so you know, the pastor came out of the office and this girl from Mexico. She stand there and he Society, who are you? And he says, hello. How are you? I'm from Mexico. Import my pastor, my pastor wanted me to give you a massage and he said, Was almost so much. You trying to say a message but the message and it was a message of gratitude.
2. Respond. Over react. This will do so well for you. In marriage. You have to respond over react
Adversity, challenge, change and success
So pressure, disagreement, the kids are behaving, work is not going good. You can react out of emotion or you can. We try to teach our voice deep breaths? Count to three. Let's respond. You know, the proverb I always loved the proverb that says a gentle reply turns away Wrath So, when there's things going on, are you going to react out of anger act in the emotion app, react? Or will you respond to respond means to walk in the fruit of the spirit that whole thing self-control? So if you don't have self control that just means you don't have to work harder on your marriage. You need to receive more from the Holy Spirit. So you know it's like the person is like I want to be more calming, we don't get more time by getting more time. You get more kind by being with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, softening your heart and the Holy Spirit will teach you how to read spawn over react reaction, brings a world of strife, a world of disagreement, a world of other Pages responding brings peace. Responding brings harm and Eve responding brings joy into that room. It makes me think about. We all have little Things that we do that. Our spouse doesn't care for. And one of the things that I do that is not, I wouldn't call it. Chats favorite character quality about me is that when we are driving, I tend to gasp when I feel like we and when I say we he is about to crash our car. So I will gas cloud ring which is a Reaction and you then you react to my reaction that is going to scare me. Your gasp is actually going to get us in the accident complete control until you gasps. Yeah, I think I think to my gasp, I tend to slap the dashboard at the same time, so there's a lot going on. I don't think that it's I don't think it's productive whatsoever, but the thing is, is we tend to build Hold on reactions. So my reaction has a chain effect and then it causes him to react and then I react to his reaction and then it escalates quickly and pretty soon you don't even know where you started in the first place. And I think reaction can go down a slippery slope or it can cause bigger problems than need to. I mean, in the first year of our marriage, one of the arguments that we got into Was over. Which kind of apple with Superior? I was convinced there is this beautiful Honeycrisp apple out of the state of Washington that is far superior to the just the red apple. And you know we disagree on that he has since learned that my uncle is the superior. This is not what we're talking about. But the thing was, is we started building on the discussion and pretty soon. Soon. We don't even know where we were initially reacting. I think what happens? Yeah, I love you say, because I think what happens is in marriage. One of the keys I could is don't turn mountains out of molehills like don't let Small Things become big things and the more that you can discipline yourself to respond over react and walking that fruit of the Holy Spirit, it would just allow molehills to stay molehills rather. It's somewhat gas from the car. It's Small, but leave it. So, let's deal. What we already have enough big things going on in life. Let's not let the Small Things become big things, any better that one
3. whatever's broke. Fix it. ...
Time talking and really get on the same page, any time you feel like something's not working, then sit down have a meeting. By the way, you need to have. There's a difference between having a meeting with your spouse and having a date with your spouse. Your date is not your meeting time. That would be like in worship. We're work the worship team to assess creature. Could you imagine your worship? We're singing. I love you. You rescued me. Thank you. Got and there's a board meeting going on. Come on stage. These two should not be. So you need to have meetings about whatever's growth but when you're on the day we're not talking about the business of the home. We're not talking about finances. We're not, we're getting to know each other, we're having fun. We're eating way too much bread. Somebody say, Amen, we're having dessert for to come on. But don't let your date night be turning to a board meeting when you're going to date, let it be fun filled with laughter. You two know each other connect again but with their needs to be beatings. We have learned in our marriage that would ever something's been broke, take time and fix it. I've got to lean in and listen to her. What are you frustrated with what's not working? What's going on? And we find a solution. The thing I love about God is with God, there is a solution to every problem. How about James three, the wisdom from above? What is this? A is pure Peaceable. Gentle reasonable unwavering without hypocrisy and it Bears much fruit. The wisdom part below what it is. What is it sexual demonic? It's the, the wisdom of the world. We don't need the world's wisdom. We need God's wisdom, and I think wisdom on my marriage and they wisdom on my parenting. And so, if there is then gonna, bro, we pray. We go to God here. Us wisdom help with what did James say. If any of you lack wisdom, what should we do? Ask God, he gives it freely. And so we need the wisdom of God on how to get our lives and our homes back in order. That's so good. It makes me think about how in our home not just in our relationship than our physical home. However we have tolerated broken things or we've tried to fix things on our own strength that have Have been repaired properly. So we have this janky dishwasher at the moment and I didn't want to justify spending money to to fix the dishwasher. So I tried to fix it myself. Well, that thing just became broker and worse until we're down to like just the bottom drawer. And I'm just seeing how high I can stack dishes all the way up to the top. Well, I have example, example, That not only within our home, but also within our relationship because it's easy to say, you know what I'm tough, I'm strong, we can, we can exist with this or even worse. We don't even recognize this and I think that if I could encourage you, in one thing is that go home and communicate. What needs adjusting even if it's small schedule things I thought Not for a couple years. My husband he was preparing to preach on Sunday so he needed all day Saturday but I was getting frustrated on the Saturday, trying to get the kids to sports trying you know they weren't in schools that it was running around tearing our Houma, and it I was like, this is part of our calling, I can do this, I can do this, but all it took was one small conversation saying. Hey, could you finish your message just a little bit earlier in The week and be more present our Saturday that set me up for more success and protected me from resentment. So, just took one small communication and one small adjustment to Just Launch us into a better flow in our week. Now, I understand that there are bigger things to solve and there are bigger cracks in our foundation that we talked about. And I think that this is where I encourage you to, to get help if there are things. That are broke. This is the time. Leave and commit to say, I am going to talk about this with someone when I get out as scary as that may seem. I'm going to commit to be vulnerable to my spouse and have the honest conversation. But I'm gonna commit to be vulnerable, in the presence of God, to allow him to soften me to speak to me. And to show me the areas that I actually need to surrender to him and to surrender to Other people that God has placed in my life to be honest and transparent to have those conversations to step in the right direction of help. I love that because it reminds me of another person James because I think a lot of times we know all we got to fix that but just I feel like we sometimes can be satisfied with knowing but James says the good that a man knows he opted to do and doesn't do sins. So it doesn't mean we just know what we got to fix. We got actually apply that and go fix it.
4. Do not let anything come between you
Efesus 4:26
We're not going to go to bed fighting, we're not going to go to bed. Angry it on different pages. No, we can't let anything come between us because that's when the enemy gets a wedge. He gets a foothold in a foothold becomes a stronghold. We don't want strongholds in our marriages that bring wedges of division. We need unity in our marriage. We need unity in our home. What does the Bible say? Where he finds Unity? There's a commanded blessing. I will bless you know my house. Anybody else? Else. God cannot listen A house divided. Can't stand a divided house won't make it. So we've got to work through our issues and not let anything. Not the children, not the finances, not a disagreement, not anything come in between us so that we can continue on in the bond of Peace. The bond of unity. Somebody say, Amen.
5. There's comfort in the commitment. ...
Divorce is closed.
We do not use that word in our home. That is not an option. Years ago, I was a youth pastor. And there was a tragedy at a local public high school. Thousands of students and this tragedy happened right before school. Started out, cyber school and so the principal called me and said, we need you to come to school and help counsel students this tragedy happened. So I rush over to school. And I spent about 45 hours talking with high school students for the early, pray in a public school. And at the end of the day, when I was getting ready to leave, I went to the principal's office. I just thank this guy for calling me. I would pass three called on me to help what at all. So, we're sitting in his office and maybe because of the emotion of the day. He starts opening up about his marriage talking to me about what's going on in his marriage. Well, I didn't have a good pastor face, you know, good pastor cases like this. But I was looking at him like this. So my pastor face nor off and whoa. And he looks at me and goes woo, So we're good. I'm telling you what's going on but make no mistake. The back door is closed. Divorce is not an option, so I'm telling you what's going on. But I have great comfort that we're going to work through this. Do you realize how much comfort you can bring to your spouse? Just knowing she's committed. We might have issues. Disagreements, we got to work through stuff. We're trying to build a great. We want a thriving marriage, It's surviving right now, bubbly one of driving, but the comfort is in the commitment, I always think to verbalizing the commitment just chat is such a great job at telling me how he feels about me and I don't, that was so cool. You put the wreath out cards on the chairs. And maybe there's a moment that I'm spoiling, but I just wrote down a couple quick ones. Did you do this for me? Oh, shoot, no, I didn't see this. But I can't wait to do it babe. Oh, you stop it. Did you hear that? You could frame it. I promise not to watch the next episode of Netflix without you.
Because I know, and you say, Yeah, just give me a minute. I vow to wait for two minutes and I promise that even though I'm in perfect. To keep growing to keep getting better. And to always choose you, afraid of that and I'm home you to it. Okay? But we're giving those and putting it under 60, definitely years later. Number six, develop conflict. Resolution skills.
6. Develop conflict resolution skills
Have you heard of this? They hate mail. It's like the Christian horoscope. It's the worst. And, but you throw different personalities. Together, you can have comfort. My concern is not be opposed. Do you have this skills to resolve the conflict? So, if I music music since here, we've got great worship here, Pastor Jeffries musical. We're on the one, we're on the 405. This is ended It's just sustained note. It's got, it could include and resolve back to the one. It has to. Otherwise we're just kind of hanging out. Waiting waiting, waiting waiting, waiting to resolve, you've got to learn how to resolve your issues quicker. I said in my voice all the time when you behave well, or if you behave, good life is good. If you behave, bad life, is that. Let me flip it for your marriage. If you can resolve fast, your marriage is good. If it takes you a long time to resolve, your marriage will suffer. So you need conflict, resolution skills. Learn how to result. So, in other words, do you want the fight? To last an hour, a day, two days, a week a month. We're going to get to in a little bit, but you got to be careful. Not to Stonewall. I'm going to get get to that just a minute. I want to be sensitive. The clocks, and we go to number six. Sorry number seven, humility Winds of marriage. Pride will destroy a marriage.
7. Humility will win a marriage and pride will destroy a marriage Pride says, I'm not saying sorry. Pride says, I'm not saying I love you. Pride says, it's all about me. ...
We need to do some more anyways, but the Peloton instructor week, we attend her classroom AIDS, just sins. And in the middle of the workout, when it's given hard, she has the same line. She goes, I'm ready to quit and I'm starting to feel uneasy, and she has a famous line. She'll say, I know it's hard. I know you want to quit. But no, he's no amigo.
First time she said, I think she's watching me and I want to save your marriage. No ego? No amigo. Humility will win a marriage. Humility is not thinking less about yourself. Humility is thinking more about the other person. Try, what is the Bible saying? All of this scripture, Proverbs 16:18, Pride goes Before Destruction, a haughty spirit, before a fall. So long before you lose your marriage, you walk in Pride. And that haughty Spirit, I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I'm going to tell you how much I love you. Humility. Writes love notes. Humility serves your home humility. Prefers your spouse. Humility admits there. All you got to walk in humility will win a marriage but Pride will destroy a marriage. What does that say about humility about humble people? He says he gives grace to the humble. What does he say about prideful people? He resists the proud. I don't know about you but I want God to resist my marriage. I won't God the grace, my marriage. Do you want God's grace? You got to walk in humility prize like that. Ego thing walking around I'm going to be prideful. I'm going to be the man. I'm going to be stubborn, I'm going to be no one can tell me what to do. You know what, you know what it is? You got to go low. You Gotta Serve, you're going to die to self, you got to walk in humility. Amen, to that one number. A just a few more number
8.
Beware of the Four, Horsemen the marriage killers, ...
Criticism
Contempt - statement come from a position of superiority
Defensiveness - self protection by righteous indignation or innocent victim hood to ward off a perceived attack or criticism
Stonewalling - occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction
Stonewall you're on your own. I'm out. I'm going to go take my ball and go home and my back is turned to her because I'm hurt and offended and I'm going to Stonewall. Have you think that works out for us? So, you got to watch out for the four, horsemen, the marriage Killers, because maybe you're not a stone Waller. Well, maybe are you critical? Do you shall content? Are you defensive? You got to find these because these things will not just kill your life and your friendships. They'll kill your marriage.
9. You need more sex
We need to have more sex. The reality is that you are going home to life, and children and schedule, and all the things, and there is an ability to not make time for one another. Now, within the need to connect, there is a need to be intimate, which is Current, there's a need to communicate which is different, but there's a need to have this thing that God created and designed for us, and we have to carve out time for that. Absolutely, I was thinking the first Corinthians 7:5 and six, do not deprive each other except perhaps by Mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Okay? Then Come together again. So that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession out of the committee. Pause using wisdom. No one wants to be into Mary's a Loveless marriage or a sexless marriage. No one wants to be in a marriage where you're not loved and there's no intimacy. But sex brings intimacy and reconnects us back together. It's God's idea, it's a beautiful gift from God. And I know we're making fun of, you know, our wedding night. And, you know, I was 28, she's 25, but I'm really grateful that this gift that God's given us. Don't awaken love until the doctors do. I'm glad that we waited and I'm glad that we can enjoy the The gift that God has given us and it's a weapon. I think sex is a weapon that fends off the enemy. He wants to bring temptation. He wants to attack your home. Other people asking about college, there's an old passed on staff at the church. I first worked at and he took me out for pie and say, you know, he's an old guy. Whatever coffee going for pie in this old wise Sage preacher. I was like 19. Never forget gun, man. Every day, you'll battle two things. Pride and sexual temptation. Pride and sexual Temptation and I thought to myself the rest of my life to go to a classic, just check the box and good. Sexual Temptation, can you turn into your marriage unless you have fulfilled it? So we get to serve one another. Our Jack paper prints on sex years ago, Pastor Jack Hayford. If you're all mine in the body of Christ and said, the kingdom of God is all about giving, even in the Venture, it is about serving and giving. And so you need, when we say it's not like joking you need more sex. We need to have Intimacy in our marriage, both And communication but also insects and so you know, go back home and read some of the Salomon. I've got all of this is in Balance, praise the Lord, hallelujah, glory to God, I sing it, I raised a Hallelujah, maybe the presence of my enemies, but I think this is one of the keys, so I think keeping our marriage thriving and are survive
We need honesty and vulnerability to bring healing and growth. The healing that you desire in your marriage. Cannot come. If you have secrets, Pastor, Chris Hodges says you are only as sick as your secrets.
Your Authority is in your authenticity. So if you want healing and growth in your marriage,
You know. Get vulnerable.
This is my best friend. And this is the person that knows the good and the Bad and the Ugly, this is the person that I'm the most honest with. I share all my successes and all my failures. And we don't keep secrets and what does that build trust respect. And communication now, believing that as you leave this getaway, you'll strengthen your bond strength in your commitment. The healing that you desire. It's probably always think you're one conversation away from freedom.
One and do you need to have a conversation with one of the pastor's? Maybe you probably need to have a conversation with your spouse. Great honesty and vulnerability and the other side, what great question, fire the Tom Cruise of Christianity. What would happen if you gave 100%? The bigger question. What's going to happen if you don't?
Live. No lies. Walk in Freedom. Let Christ be the centerpiece.
What's the vision of our marriage? Ephesians, 5 way Christ serves the church. The way that he beautifies it serves the church. We want to beautify and serve one. Another If you're going with Nate is too hard. I don't know if I could do this. This is difficult. You're welcome, you can in your own strength. My Bible says I can do all things through Christ. Who strengthens me by my God, I can leap over a wall. He bids. He makes my hands to bend a bowl groans. He trains my feet like Hinds feet to scale a mountain, I can do everything with God and so through thought we can build a thriving marriage. In end of that one, we say to our feet and let's pray. ...
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