marriage getaway session 02 building healthy marriage

Chad veach and julia veach

Building a beautiful marriage

Session 2

And that evening he decided in this heart and I would have gone on a journey to decide when we just talked about the journey real fast. I have to really pursue her. So the first time I gave Julia a hug, she patted me on the back the first time I told her I love you. She said, thank you. The first time you I actually started to say, I love you. I can see the words coming out of your mouth and I went like this. So then he went from. I loo, I don't know if you remember this, but you said I only wear you, like, I'm just kind of you rolled the word in something else. Yes, it was more work to be done. So eventually I became ready. Eventually she warmed up to the idea and we got engaged and we were married. On September 21st. Now this is significant because there's a song by Earth Wind and Fire that reads. It's in our living room. I can't Yes, it's gonna be beautiful Journey. 14 years, we just celebrated September 21st February, 14 years and if we're being transparent to firstborns, that are very strong filled with Different Ambitions coming together, and laying down their lives to serve one another. It's been an adventure filled with disappointment and delay. We had a diagnosis within our home of our firstborn child. That was a real test and our marriage. We've had three additional boys. That Source. Local folder with that. Let me just explain you. This is the youngest to oldest. That's our four-year-old Clive, he's praising God. That's Maverick saying what's up? That's wisdom of. Yeah, and that is our Miracle daughter. Georgia who she turns 11 Borrow it. So that's all for kids right there. Well technically it's her birthday today here, so here. Yes, yes, December 2nd. That's where we're at and for beautiful Miracle children and 14 years of a lots of things learned and a lot of just recognizing God's goodness. Yes, and his faithfulness and I just want to let you guys know that we are a product of just surrendering to Jesus every day. Every week saying God, we don't have all the answers, but we choose to put you at the center of our relationship and in the Centre of our homes. And we just have a lot to be grateful for. Yeah, you go just as your cigarette, makes me think both of us are pastors, kids are Our dads, eventually went from youth pastors to senior pastors their life's really mirror one another. And when I was growing up, I get did a lot of weddings, and he would always take us kids to the weddings because of the free lunch, and we're going to a wedding. Again, this is how you're eating today. Has he always had this? I would always tell him, I don't think that's a good one. I don't think we should do that one, but he would always do it and he would look at the God every wedding. He would look at this guy and he would say today, I would like to welcome you to your funeral in the church. Did that today? You die today for your marriage to do well, Well, you have to die to yourself. And isn't that the message of our faith and to follow Jesus? You must pick up your cross daily and deny yourself, and follow God. So that's for your faith. But that's also for your family. That's also for your marriage, is that you must die. And so, I think what Joy is saying is you, I've had to learn how to die again. I was 28 shoot. At 25, I was already been in the ministry for almost a decade and you get habits of being single. And so she had to decipher me in the fact. So I had to learn how to say. I'm sorry, I'm wrong. I love you can all the men, say, Amen. To that woman, that was a word for somebody like that. I'm sorry I'm wrong. I love you have to turn that into a song. 

To talk about in this first session, you write down the title building a beautiful marriage. That's really our goal. That's why your pastors have invited you to this amazing Retreat. That's the goal of becoming like Jesus. So what is the standard of mirrors? The standard of marriage is not me and Julia or anyone in this room. The standard for marriage is Jesus and the way he serves his bride and the way that he loves his bra and that is what he does. This to create a beautiful Ride a radiant bride, and that's what we want. That's what we're laughing, and having jokes and admitting faults. And we're going to be honest with you, we want to share what we've learned in 14 years. But let's just all make the decision together. We want to build a beautiful marriage. We don't want to marry just like suffering, kinda like how God he didn't create us to survive, he created us to thrive. This is John 10:10, the three things scripture for our church, Zoe Church the the Greek word for Abundant Life is Zoe and what is Jesus saying? John 10:10 the evil one comes to steal kill and destroy but I have come that you might have life and have it love. More abundantly Abundant Life. So for our marriages, that is why our marriage to live along. We're barely making it. We can't stand each other. We're fighting were bickering. We've got, we've got all kinds of issues. We want to build a beautiful marriage just as Christ wants to build a beautiful marriage partnership with the bride of Christ. So let's talk about building. Let's read in Matthew 7. We were thinking about this verse here, reaching the end. Ephesians 5 and change. Does Matthew said we like this a little bit more, therefore, whoever hears these sayings of mine and does them. I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock, and the rain descended and the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house and is not falling for it. Was founded on the Rock. I was here a little Sean Connery, I'm wrong. 

All the rock. It will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand and the rain. Descended the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house and it fell and great was its fall. When I think about how great was his fault, makes me think of divorce. And great is the aftermath great is the effect. Great is the Fallout brain is the damage. So we want to build Roger that saying relationships require work and when you stop working, they stop working. You got to build. You got to make the decision that I'm going to build a beautiful marriage. Anybody needs say that you come to this Retreat and that's your prayer. You want your marriage to be more beautiful and look more like Jesus. Amen. So where you give you a few things to write down to encourage you. Here's the first point point number one today, build It on Jesus. By the way, can we clap for the worship? Team? That did such a great job, the whole team. Song. Jesus at the center. Nothing else matters. So we're building our lives and we're building our marriages on the person. Jesus, he is the foundation Psalm 118. What does it say the stone that the builders rejected for us has become the Chief Cornerstone. So our whole lives are built on Jesus, and we talked about building on Jesus, his mission, his vision, his values, his standards, we want to be like Jesus. I don't think your marriage has a shot without Jesus, but Jesus is the center piece because the storms are going to come, the issues are going to happen. The disappointments of life. We have a friend who, you know, is in his 50s and just went through a terrible tragedy and he is just like, in need of Jesus and he said, open at this point. Nothing bad has happened to him, his whole life. Nothing bad 50-some years old, but this bad thing that happened. Brought him to Jesus brought him to church because when the storm comes, what is it? Bill on, when the issues happen, what is it? Bill option. So, we want to make the decision before the storm comes. It would be a terrible thing to try to build your marriage in a storm. We build listen, when we got our diagnosis for our daughter, Georgia, we weren't trying to figure out what we believed about. God, we were trying to figure out About what the Bible said. We were trying to put some Foundation together. We had laid a foundation. We trust God, we will obey God, we will have faith in God. We love God. No matter the season, no matter the storm weather we had. That's why we stay in front of each other. And you make the vows in sickness and in health in rich and poor anybody, you've had some poor days. Let me see them hands and you know what I mean. To be content with a lot. But you will have to be content with the little we made these vows to each other. So, no matter what we say, no matter what we go through, were building our marriage, on the person, and the faith of Jesus. If your marriage is built on Jesus, you can face bankruptcy, you can face sickness, you can face keep leaving the faith. You can go through anything. It's all built on Jesus if it's not going on. Jesus. When that storm comes? I think it'll be too late and you live in a world of regret. And I wish we were in church and I wasn't going to serve God. And I wish we would have tied and I wish we would have prayed. I wish. No, listen church, services are awesome. And there's a beautiful presence here, but what matters is not Not what happens in the retreat. What matters is what happens in the home and building our lives, in our marriages, on the person of Jesus. It's also the go, you know what, a beautiful presence in song. But practically what does that look like? That looks like us. What did he say? Whoever hears these sayings of mine and does them. So in our homes, in our marriages, we've got to be like Jesus forgive like Jesus, loved Of like Jesus serve like Jesus. Talk like Jesus compassion, like Jesus act like Jesus. We're not blessed. If we hear the word, we are blessed. If we do the word, any man, that hears, the word doesn't do that. He says the marriage. So we put into practice God's word and it I just loved so much with the pastor's were talking about last night about How the commitment of this church of jpcc to invest into Godly, marriages that are strong. And we want the church to be radiant. Jesus wants his church, the bride groom to be beautiful and he loves his bride. But the but the reflection of the church comes from the quality of the marriage. 

Look like and what the family's look like. And if we want our unsaved co-workers and our broken family members that don't know, the love of Christ to be able to experience. We don't always need to get them into the house. We need to show them. What does he say? They need to know who he is by our love and it needs to start with our love with one another. Other and we know so many people that have relationship failures, but we want to look like the quality of our relationship is so rich and so beautiful that people are like men who do you know that has allowed you to look like that. And I just, I am just so impressed with the commitment that you picked got here. You guys made it. I hear that you are investing into your time with one another and I think that number two, we need to keep the pillars in our relationship strong. So yes, we build on Jesus. That how many? No one's ever renovated a house. The foundation is expensive and we have renovated our house down to the studs. We've torn everything apart. We did new flooring, new drywall, new cabinets, new They the weirdness without Foundation. We even got a soil report to know how good the quality of the ground was cc'ed. Is cheapest soil, is expensive. Foundation is expensive. We need to start with getting the main things, the main things protecting it investing into it, making sure that strong Wrong. What are the pillars of your relationship? Maybe you're here and you're like, I need to work on how we communicate to one another. I need to work on being kinder to one another. I think that we need to, we're all a product of our values. I think that we need to pause this weekend and look at one another and say, what are our pillars? What are our main things? How can we get our foundation strong once again? And let me encourage you. Maybe there's flat there's there's fractures, maybe there's cracks within your foundation goodness today that God that we serve he is a specialist in broken things and he's more and more beautiful than it was before. So maybe you're here and you like you you don't know how big the fracture or the crap in our foundation is good news today we serve a God. Who is a great physician who's a surgeon that he meant the most broken of hearts. And I am believing and my prayer is that where there is present that there is a God that can just breathe Breathe and meant the biggest crap within our foundations, but let's invest into the pillar. Let's allow those things to be strong and within those. Those pillars that in our relationship that we've chosen, those three things are trust, respect and communication. Those are the pillars. Those who have Foundation that we've laid that we've chosen to make sure that we protect and we invest. And we keep strong at the bases, because I think that, you know, the problem is, is that, what is the old saying about, trust trust takes years to build and seconds to lose it. So you always want to be making decisions that build trust with your spouse. So something very practical that we do is in the, I don't know if this is for a divisions, like it is Americans, but I could tell our guys. Hey, guys, your wife has All The Pastels that everything in your world. Every count your phone email, there's nothing customer, you know, a lot of times in night, our llovera Julius, you know just catching up on do I text today and it's not bad. It's just going back, you know? I'm just saying who you know what's going on baby? Make a dinner plates because I know you'll forget to tell me probably but the reality is that you can't build trust and have secrets of the same time and so we Have No Secrets. A great way to build your marriage. All this is a saying and you can build practically all the lights are on all the doors are open. So, we built on trust. So of course we trust God but in your spouse, do you trust your spouse and then respect, you know, it's so funny because Julie will often rebuttal to this because they say we read Merritt Rooks adult women. Want love man. Walk respect and Julia. Will always say I won't respect you though. I don't know, a girl that's like yes, disrespect me. How about we just love each other and respect each other. This is pretty simple. It's so can we tell the story of fast about when I chose my heavenly over you? When we first got married? Just real fast on that. I'm going to real think when just real fast. Real fast. Yeah, you're not exposing yourself. You're exposing me ownership over my problem. Over my wife, the two shall become one. And I'm over, you're siding with my mom and I learned that day the mistakes you can make in marriage. I wasn't respecting your mom verbally. You actually stood in front of her to come on child. 

Respect and your stairs moves, you can make that breed or build respect, there's nothing worse. Want to Cripple your marriage, disrespect each other, you want to you want to cause one of the you or the other person and I want to come home, you know the life of disrespect but respect really Breeze. A well it's an honor spirit. We talked about in the next session. But owner is everything in America. So, trust respect. And the last Miller is communication. And listen. You cannot have a great marriage and be a bad communicator. Say it again, for the people in the back, you cannot have a great marriage and be a bad communicator. And by the way, communication is not just text. Have you ever read a text in Black who are an angry elf, you know, they're hungry. I think it would be great for you. All in your barracks, all your texts, read read them like they're smiling when they wrote it. She was smiling as she said, pick up the milk but communicate effectively not just what your words. We teach our boys that say all the time it's not what you're saying that matters, it's how you're saying it and so I can make Julia be so excited about life and what we're doing or I could absolutely get her discouraged. So we build it on the colors. It's crust, respect communication. I don't want to say that, you know what, we're all here to get some hacks and maybe this is a half that doesn't apply to you, but I will say one of the hats of helped us and that's like if it has not translating, it's cheap in the area of communication. If there's a lot of things that I want to communicate to him and there's a lot of things as busy season, we work. Together, we have children together. We run the other businesses together and we have a lot to go through in one day and now, listen, if we're tired, if we're emotional, if we're hungry, if we're angry, if we're hungry for all the things, it's not always the time to communicate that I actually need to move the ball forward. So, we have four years. We've been emailing and now sometimes, because Jesus is not awake yet, and we're sipping on our coffee. The early in the morning, sometimes, we will sit in our kitchen. First thing in the morning across from each other in the kitchen and we will email each other back and forth. Sometimes there's been different ways. Is that we've communicated. So sometimes it's been through emails. Sometimes it if he's traveling the commitment to communicate to stay close and to stay connected because change the three always been a commitment to take inventory and to assess our communication, and so maybe in Sun Season, we need creative communication, like emailing. Sometimes we need to sit in front of each other and to express. We feel we did the session one time with a therapist and I had to communicate to my husband, how God would communicate to him so awesome. I had to look at him and I had to say through the lens of your heavenly father. This is, this is how I seek you. And this is how I love you now dead. The sweet, a therapist have him do this back to me. No, Chad was his favorite. I agree. That was the last time you saw him, but I explained to him how the love of the father had a, he is sink and he didn't have to. And then in the closing session, I'm really, I don't you talk in circles here. This is what this rabbit, remember. But at the end, I had to pray over my husband and he did not have to pray over me. 

So we're building it on, trust respect communication. We're building a Jesus and we're building a beautiful marriage. Here's the third thing, right down Point number three is know what you're building identify. What are you? What is your vision? What if you know it's the whole thing about success we want to successful marriage. What is it successful? You cannot Success without Vision. The Bible says, my people perish because of lack of knowledge or another. Another verse that comes to mind is where there is no prophetic Vision. People cast off restraint, you need vision and vision comes from God and if you can see it you can achieve it. If you can see it you can you can you can go for it but you've got to first see it. That's why the Bible says write down the vision. Make it plain. So the one that That's running with the vision, can read the vision. So we've got to get on the same page and we've got to ask each other. What kind of house do we want to have? What are the values? It's in America, you see this a lot, you go to somebody's house and they have a beautiful piece of art and it almost always starts with this saying in this house we do. And then they'll say, we do long walks on the beach dance parties at night. Forgiveness, Second Chances. Has you know big meals in this house. We do you need to have what do you do in your house? What is your vision? What are you building in this last year? Both both her father and my father last year they told they both told me how much they want to have in reserves when they had when they pass away. And they told me that person's problems a righteous man leaves an inheritance. 

An unrighteous man leaves a mess pills. No, will where did the assets go? Who gets what questions? Or I read it yesterday in my devotional. Some sins of people there. Obvious others, follow them. So do you want to pass away and the kids find out you have another family? 

You better things in order, you can't get things in order to have an organization. So, both of them told me, this is how much they want to have in reserves, so we can leave an inheritance. They did both of our parents are both of our dads are about 66 67. They didn't at 60 years of age go. This is what we're going to do know, they started as young men. Having the vision to say, this is what we want our children to walk in. This is what we want our marriage to. To look like so you've gotta identify what do we want to build and by the way what you're trying to build doesn't always mean that's what we're trying to do. There's an old saying about marriages never compare your marriage to another. Comparison is the thief of joy and so why would I prepare our marriage to her Heritage? We We Didn't Start where you started. We don't have the same personality types. We don't come from the same families who don't even speak the same language. So I'm not going to compare how healthy or unhealthy yours is compared to mind what I'm trying to build is what God put in our heart. But I tried to build is the vision that we say. Down. And we said, you know what, let's build this kind of house. Let's build. These kind of children. Let's build this kind of vacation. Let's go after, and then we stay focused on what God has for us. I also think that in order to know what your building, you have to know, not only Who You're Building wet, but you have to know your role in the partnership of the Being project now, I referenced the renovation. Now, we know our roles. We are not the people that are the contractors laying down on the floor. Like, we understand that we have designed and put we understand our specific and unique role. When we were building the house. I go, I don't buy roll. You go on the adventures. I paid for them. 

There has to be a strong sense of identity. You know, there is such an attack from the enemy to come it against your identity to come against your confidence to come against your mind. And when we are waiting word in our thoughts of, not knowing our value, not knowing our purpose as an individual, that affects the plan. We're building together because now we're two broken people trying to produce a broken product and instead of committing to being a whole person. I can't know where I'm going and less. I know who I am. And then order to know who I am. I have to have an anchor in the foundation in the Rock and which I stand on. So, outside of my relationship, I have to have a A Unapologetic devotion and individual relationship with Jesus Christ. Because when my daughter was sick, when she had a diagnosis, when, when it was hard in our home, I couldn't be held by my husband's arms, I had to be wrapped in the arms of Jesus because he wasn't there every day when I was home with a daughter who was really sick. Check who is having seizures 50 times a day. I had to lay on the floor and say Jesus. You're the one that holds me a and you're the one that makes me whole. And when I come to my husband, we can say, hey, in our private time, we committed to become whole individuals, so we can together build something whole, and we can build something for our children. We have to know that when we walk in that purpose and when our marriage has a mission and has a focus, we do who were going in with and that gives us all the confidence in the world. Yeah. I think what you're saying is great and it reminds me, you know, that you're married. Your spouse is either your greatest burden or your greatest blessing. And so, the reason Why we love each other and serve each other is because you play a part and then being a burden or a blessing. The two shall become one. So when they suffer you something when they do, well, you do well in the stronger, your personal identity is that easier is to come together as one and there's nothing worse than competition within a marriage. Competition within a marriage. By the way, your spouse cannot complete you. But they can't compliment you. It's so if you have a strong identity, it gets easier to build the vision that you have vision is pretty easy, to be honest, God has a vision. So the vision is not the hard part from being honest, you're here, you're going to Vision. So to what do you say in these last days of Court? My spirit? Well, what happened Sons? Daughters prophesied, old men dream dreams, this is on the hard part, the Third part is building it together from a place of help from a place of wrecks. The I love that one. So we're building that we know what we're doing right down the reform protect your house. I always love that verse cats cross the little foxes that spoil the what the whole Vineyard, it's not big things that are going to take out your bandage is little things that are going to take that your marriage, it's little comments. It's a little compromise. Is a little white lie. It's a little rolling of the eyes. That didn't know Bears have come on your door, knock on the door, car will take out your marriage, but some leaky faucet, some slithering snakes. Some Judas behavior is going to take out your hair. So we must at all cost, protect our marriage. We protect our marriage bed, we protect our bedroom, we protect our home, we protect one. Another years ago I went through, To a class called authentic manhood. And this guy was teachings from Arkansas, which is the south in America, and he said all the men you are designed by God to do these things. You are the provider, you are the protector. You are the priest in the fourth, when I won't say, because I thought it was disgusting. But the first three, I resonate with your of the use your imagination, your the free. All men you are the spiritual leader of your house. You are a spiritual priest of your home, so you can pursue the provider and you're the protector. So our homes, feel great, when we lead and protect our spouse, and we don't just, I'm not, you know, some macho guy walking around protecting my house. Who wants to mess with my family? I'm the, it's not that it's protecting our hearts. Protecting our purity. Protecting our eyes or my boys are boys. You know, our boys are nine, seven, four and half of my life is telling them. We're not gonna watch that. We're not watching that. Look, you can't watch that. Nope, we don't answer that. And why do I say that to my voice? Because my job is their dad is to protect their eyes and to project their use in your marriage, attacked Your Love, protect your house, protect protect one, another protect from offenses. This is a very big at church 2. By the way in church, his church is an opportunity for a fence. There's a scripture products where the where there are no oxygen? The chalk is clean translation. If you got more people, you got Mo Problems. So when the church that jpcc is going to be all kinds of opportunity for offense. So when I get offended with some Joker at church, do you think I come home with my spouse and say, you know, Ted was saying this and Ted was saying that and Ted Blah, blah, blah. And Spew all that to my spouse, I protect her from offense. I protect her. So that's one record. What we've got to protect our homes from the attack of the enemy. It's listen, it's okay. If the attack comes from the outside, it just cannot come from the inside. So we protect the purity of our relationship, both from the inside and the attack from the outside. So we that we hear thousands and thousands to be specific, it's 40,000 negative thoughts, and one day. And With every negative thought we need to cover it with multiple positive thoughts. Now, it is natural because we know this person the most, we know, all of our flaws. We know all of our strength. It is easy for us to let down our guard and to speak comfortably and just speak transparently, but we need to be ones that speak life and Stu speaks. 

Learning and to speak promise over one another now. Would you like to give me an example of what you would like to speak to me today? You know yet I just want to say that. Your first of all you're beautiful and I love going on adventures with you and is active service. So I like to respond to a prove it 

And those who love it, will eat its fruit. Six sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. What a lot. You have the power to make your spouse. Fly or suffer. You realize you can make your spouse feel like a million bucks or a person in debt. Your words, James goes, this little Rudder controls. The whole ship. I wonder how your words are affecting your spouse constant. Criticism creates constant insecurity. So that's sure what's the law opposite constant? Praise creates constant confidence. Let's build our lives and build our marriages, amen. Father.